Soul Ramblings from the Venus-Saturn Square

Rains come.
Boots stick in the mud.
Little streams run down the woodland trails I walk daily with my dog.
A candle lit at the base of a tree in twilight.
To be human, to be simply alive, to feel the sun on my face, that’s all.
Thank you for this day. For the children. For this peace, this health, this simple life. For the freedom to be with the trees.
I find solace in my solitude and wonder if it’s possible to walk with another so silently. Can love deepen the richness of my own silence? Can I ever fully share who I am when I am alone, with another?
I want a relationship that’s already two years in. I don’t want to have to get to know you. The sex is already deep and perpetually growing. We laugh often. I see your thoughts alongside my own and I wonder sometimes whether I’m viewing the world from your psychology or mine. Sometimes I hate it and I don’t know if my thoughts are yours or my own and I will swim for hours, smudge the nape my neck, fast by campfire, smear my face with blood and be completely alone for a while just to remember who I am. To remember the depth of my own silence.

 

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The Magic of Manic-Depression

You know those days when you roll out of bed, after staying asleep too long, and all you want to do is shake the mood you’re in? All you want is to feel an ounce of enthusiasm and excitement to begin the new day but here you are, depressed in the morning and not sure how to keep moving?

I don’t like to identify with what western medicine would diagnosis as manic-depressive or bipolar, but sometimes referring to these terms is helpful in understanding what I’m feeling. I used to find myself sobbing for hours in the center of my room, surrounded by the contents of my closet that I pulled out to organize and that were now in an overwhelming pile on my floor. I would be non-functional for days. I’ve seen dramatic improvement over the past year since starting to supplement with magnesium and no longer have such intense episodes, but the waves of high and low still come and go.

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Almost like an intense fever that spikes and is unbearable for several hours but will eventually come down, the depressive states are something I endure. I now know to think of them as waves, maybe lasting for few days, rising and cresting before falling again. When they’re rising and I’m in the thick of my discomfort my first instinct is to ask, “how can I get out of this?”, “how can I change how I’m feeling?”. Simple tasks seem impossible to complete – the dishes pile on the counter, the laundry goes unfolded for days, dog hair piles up on the floor. I look to all the possible tools in my toolkit – maybe coffee will lift my mood and help me to be productive. Maybe smoking herbs will clear my mind and bring me into the present, helping me to get going again. Maybe I just need to start a project, or go into town, or visit a friend, or get bodywork. And often times these things help, at least in easing the symptoms.

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Manic I think of as an overwhelming love for life and of feeling in touch with the magic of each moment. I feel spiritually aligned and grateful that every choice I’ve made has brought me to be right here and now, experiencing the juiciness of life. It’s the type of thing where I fall in love with the mundane – where I may have had an ordinary, simple week but I am so content and grateful to be alive that I exclaim it’s been one of the best weeks of my life. I invite strangers over for romantic dinners, take weeks off from work, fast and pray alone in the woods, stay up ’til four in the morning cleaning the house, making art, and moving my body. It’s the type of state where I feel “THANK GOD I’M HUMAN AND CAN EXPERIENCE ALL OF THIS!” and where I realize that my life is in the making and that the risks I take weave a tapestry of beauty.

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The more I accept that these swings are part of who I am, the easier it is to embrace both extremes. I can accept that some days are just gonna suck and I may or may not be functional. And I can wholeheartedly enjoy and rejoice in the ecstasy of being alive.

I trust in transience and know that all things change. Knowing this makes the lows of my mind endurable and the highs even that more magical.

Blood Journal: An Invitation into the Dream

Unexpectedly and unapologetically, she arrives two weeks early on the day of the new moon. Breaking through the floodgates without hesitation, blood pools out of me and I surrender back into the dream. Leaving the cares of the mundane world, I retreat to the moon loft to dream, breathe into my body, witness memories of the past cycle float through my conscious mind, laugh and cry, massage my belly with warm oil; I merge into a time-less space. It doesn’t matter if I sleep all day and wake at 2 a.m. to make art and and pray in the pre-dawn, for all of my duties of everyday life are suspended: nothing needs to be done but dream.

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My moon is an invitation of remembrance. An invitation to just be in my body. With nothing to do but breathe for hours with my hands on my belly, my body softens and my mind drifts to altered states of awareness. In a world where so much emphasis is put on “doing, doing, doing” and accomplishing things in the outside world, it’s easy to not take time to just ‘be’ in my body. The sanctuary of bleeding gives me the rest I need to be the best I can be when I emerge back into the world.

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“…Women should take time out when they menstruate, and this time is for dreaming. Not just nighttime dreaming, but also daytime dreaming – being free to enter a dreamy state when awake…Many indigenous people teach that women should be left alone when they are menstruating, to dream for everyone.” – Lara Owen, Her Blood is Gold

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It’s possible to heal cervical dysplasia without surgery

Have you ever gotten news from your doctor that you need to have surgery, and that it’s your only option?

That happened to me when test results showed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix (CIN 111/CIS) and I was told that I needed to schedule a LEEP procedure within six weeks. Believing that the doctor was an expert on my health, and afraid that if I didn’t get the surgery I would have invasive cancer, I was convinced when she told me that surgery was the only option.

Devastated, and not wanting to have an invasive procedure that would affect my ability to bear children, I went home and did some research. I found that many women were able to heal themselves without the unnecessary surgery and I became inspired to begin an alternative treatment plan.

I’ve created a video telling a story of my healing as reading the stories of others is what encouraged me to take my health into my own hands. It’s important to note that healing is so individual – this is only one story – yours likely looks very different from mine. There are many ways to healing.

I  want to note that I do believe in the healing power of surgery and that many times it is a necessary treatment option. In no way am I saying that these treatments aren’t helpful, it’s just that in many cases there are other alternatives, and surgery doesn’t always get to the root of the issue. Many women have this procedure only for their upcoming test results to still show abnormal cells. If surgery is chosen, it is still so important to do your internal healing work and to support the physical body with proper rest and nutrition.

I understand that the doctor who recommended surgery to me had witnessed dozens, maybe hundreds, of women with my same condition and she had seen invasive cancer take over on women who had opted out of treatment. She didn’t want that to happen to me and, because my condition was so far along, she thought it was too late for a holistic method to be effective. My belief was strong, however, and I had no doubts that my body could heal on it’s own. It’s important to differentiate between declining surgery and not doing anything (ignoring the issue) and declining surgery with a commitment to sticking with a healing regime over a long period of time.

Often times ‘alternative’ modes of healing take a long period of time ~ several months to a year ~ and require faith, belief, dedication, and an attitude of optimism.

If you are declining surgery it’s imperative to have a team of people on your side (doctors, herbalists, bodyworkers, therapists, friends, etc) supporting your journey inward.

Thank you for listening to my story – It’s humbling to share. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or to share stories of your own.

Many Blessings.

P.S. Here is an amazing resource on how to heal cervical dysplasia naturally

I also found this resource to be helpful.

 

 

Top 4 Reasons to switch to Re-usable Pads

Disposable menstrual products are so out-dated – It amazes me that they are still on the market! Not only are the chemically-laden and uncomfortable, but the name ‘sanitary napkins’ reinforces the old idea that menstruation is somehow dirty or un-hygenic.

Here are my top reasons for why to make the switch from disposable products to re-usables – what are yours?

#1: It’s good for the environment.

An average woman using disposable menstrual products will dispose of 300 pounds of product in her lifetime – that’s only ONE person! If ten women switched to re-usable pads, that would be saving 30,000 pounds of product in a landfill…

It’s no longer an option to keep disposing of this much waste. There is not enough space to hold it all. We are beyond ‘making a green choice’ as the well-being of our planet hangs in the balance.

#2: They allow for a natural flow.

Many people love using their moon cups or Diva Cups. I’ve heard that the cup is a wonderful way of catching blood and lots of people appreciate it. It is a much better alternative to disposable products! I’ve also heard from some women that it’s impractical in busy city bathrooms to change a bloody cup, and that it can be uncomfortable.

I choose to use pads because I want my blood to flow naturally and to be able to leave my body at the exact moment it’s wanting to. The thought of something putting a temporary dam on my flow doesn’t sit well, as I want the waters of my body to flow as naturally as the rivers.

#3: They are comfortable and chemical-free.

There are so many amazing menstrual pad companies these days that use soft, organic cotton and flannel material. Pads also come in a variety of fun patterns and colors – I think of mine as fondly as I do my favorite clothing items, and look forward to when I get to use them each month!

It is so important not to use harsh chemicals in or on our bodies. Many people are passionate about eating a clean diet, drinking clean water, and using natural body products on their hair and skin. Why take such great care of your body and then use chemically drenched paper products in your vagina?

#4: It’s a wise economic decision.

Why spend money every month on something just to throw it away in a landfill, when you can buy or make a product that will last for many years? Investing in some good quality pads will save you money and the money you do spend can support awesome small-business owners.

Some last notes….

Some women are concerned that they won’t be able to do all that they want to do on their moon time when they are wearing a pad rather than a tampon… Every person is different, but I feel that it’s important for monthly bleeding to be as much of a retreat as possible. It’s time to acknowledge that bleeding is sacred – it is worthy of taking time off from our lives to rest – it’s OK to slow down. The ritual of taking my pads out each month reminds me that my bleeding time is a retreat from ordinary reality and that it’s OK to opt out.

Want to know just how simple it is to use them? Watch this short video!

I’d love to hear from you & your experiences in using re-usable pads.

What was it like making the switch?

Lunar Blessings,

Kendall

A Simple Way to Overthrow Menstrual Taboos

This weekend I had the opportunity to vend my lunar calendars at the Natural Living Expo in Marlborough, Mass. I was so excited to share the Moon Wisdom with hundreds of people and to talk about my offerings around mindful movement for menstruation. To me, menstruation is such an exciting and empowering time, and I was anticipating my excitement to be met by the people I spoke with at the Expo. I brought some amazing organic cotton and flannel moon pads with me as well as herbal belly oils, flower essences, and an anti-viral yoni spray. I was excited and ready to talk about menstruation, sexual healing, and empowerment around the moon cycles. However, the response I got to the moon pads was surprising and sobering, and had me questioning how much menstruation is still taboo in our society.

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Many women at the Expo would hush their voices and begin to whisper when they found out what the pads where.

So, that’s what they are”

Often times women would physically recoil and scrunch their noses when they realized that these beautiful, soft fabrics were for catching moon blood. I became more timid in telling people about the pads as I began to anticipate being met with disgust. One woman yelled at me, “Good luck with THAT!” as she left the table. My afternoon turned around when a man walked up to my table and went to pick up a bundle of pads. I opened my mouth to tell him what they were when he looked at me and said, “I know what these are. How much?”

From then on I felt re-energized to speak confidently about the pads. There were still people who were disgusted by the idea of them, but I stayed strong in myself and kept shamelessly representing the cause, while speaking about the environmental impact of commercial menstrual products and the importance of not using chemically-drenched products on our lady parts. I even got to speak with one woman about how to isolate the vaginal muscles for releasing blood for ritual use without leaking urine.

This weekend taught me that cultural taboos around menstruation are still very real and alive.

The ONE thing that feels most important to the overthrowing of cultural taboos around menstruation is to

talk about it.

Share your stories.

 

 

What is your relationship to menstruation? Share with me in the comments below ❤

Lunar Blessings,

Kendall

 

Ditch the Pill – a 28 day Detox

I wanted to share with you all this *amazing course* for detoxing from Pharmaceutical Birth Control Pills. It’s only 28 days – a lunar cycle – and is packed with information and support. I wish that I had had this information years ago! It would have made my transition off of pharmaceuticals so much easier.

The course is run by Kim & Amy, the Rent Tent Sisters, who have been working in the field of Reproductive Health for nine years. They’ve written a book inspired by their personal experiences and their work in the field and are now sharing their wisdom through thid course.unnamed.jpg

Here are 5 Reasons you want to consider coming off of Birth Control Pills:
  • Dramatically decrease your risk of stroke and other serious health concerns (along with side effects like low libido and depression)
  • Reduce your environmental footprint (minimizing hormones in the water as well as the packaging waste)
  • Preserve your long-term fertility
  • Heal underlying reproductive health issues like PCOS (the pill just masks the symptoms rather than addressing the root cause)
  • Discover birth control methods that are equally effective and side effect free.

As I mentioned in my last post, Birth Control pills are masters at masking whatever imbalance is going on under the surface. Whether it’s an eating disorder, depression, or a life circumstance that needs changing – In my experience, pharmaceutical birth control pills create the illusion that everything is fine. When in reality, there may be some serious imbalances that need addressing.

Free yourself!

It is SO empowering to have a natural cycle with the moon rather than with a pill.

Opt in for a Free Report:
 

Well worth every bit of the journey

Lunar Blessings,

Kendall

Into the depths: Reclaiming a Natural Cycle

At one point expanded, then introverted; reaching out and going within; we descend to depths of unfathomable complexity and return to the world empowered and ready to begin again” – Vicki Noble, The Double Goddess, p.15

Menstruation is not often celebrated in modern American society. In fact, many women hide this part of themselves each month: they don’t tell people they are bleeding and they continue on with their life, business as usual. I used to be that way – I was prescribed prescription birth control pills at age 15 to alleviate depression and clear up my skin. If i didn’t want to have a period one month, or saw it as somewhat of an inconvenience to my social life, I would skip the placebo pills and continue taking the hormones – bypassing my cycle all together. I didn’t see any value or point in it – my monthly cycle was merely an inconvenience that now I could completely control the presence of by the use of synthetic medication.

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In my late teens I started exploring yoga and meditation and learning about traditional ways of healing. I opened up to the world of herbs, Ayurveda, and nutrition and I no longer “felt right” about taking a pill every day. I didn’t want to be dependent on a pharmaceutical. As I started hearing stories of women who bled naturally without the use of hormones, I felt adolescent in their presence. I felt like they embodied a sense of womanhood that was just out of my reach.

What is this power that they hold, and will I ever be wise enough to attain it?

I tried to come off of the synthetic hormones, but months would go by and I wouldn’t bleed. After 8 or 9 months of no blood I’d go back to my western medical doctor and he’d tell me that my only option for regulating my cycle was to go back on birth control pills. And so, discouraged and disempowered in my own process of healing, I would go back on the birth control pills. Several months down the road, I would have the same realization again that I did not want to be on prescription meds and I would stop. Again, no blood. This cycle of going back on hormones happened a few times before I made the commitment that I never wanted to be on these pharmaceuticals again. I was willing to do whatever I needed to get my cycle back.

Without the power of pharmaceutical birth control keeping my endocrine system in check, everything seemed to fall apart. My skin erupted in crazy breakouts, I experienced extreme depression, and months went by with still no blood.

Going back on birth control pills was the only answer western medicine was giving me, and so I had to search elsewhere for healing.

I had never really had to take responsibility for my own healing before.

I grew up in a world where if I got sick, I was put on antibiotics so that I could go back to school as soon as possible. I’d never considered the possibility that sickness could be a messenger alerting me to a greater emotional or spiritual imbalance.

My journey through healing has been a long one and is never ending.I’ve realized more and more over time that to really heal I can’t hide anything.

No parts of my psyche can be ignored. No instances of shame can be swept under the rug. Nothing can be hidden or else it festers and grows – the more that I can share aloud the parts of myself that I am ashamed of (and when those parts are met in witness with loving compassion), the faster they can alchemize and transform.

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It’s been eight years since being off pharmaceutical birth control pills and I am still working on regulating my hormones. After experiencing years of no blood, I’ve developed a sacred reverence for my bleeding time. I’ve prayed and sang songs and done ritual to call the blood back. I’ve snuggled with my Sisters who are bleeding and asked them everything about their cycle. I’ve read literature on blood mysteries and menstrual traditions around the world. I’ve learned the connection between menstruation and being a sexual being.

When my blood finally came, it was like an answer to an ever pervasive prayer. How could I do anything but honor this time with complete devotion?

I’d call off of work and remember my Mayan Abdominal Massage practitioner’s advice to rest and dream as much as possible. And so I would do just that – lay and dream and journey into the corners of my subconscious mind. The blood time felt like a rite of passage and a gateway into a shamanic world. I greeted the blood as a sacred teacher, and honored it’s presence by giving it my full psychic attention.

I feel blessed in many ways to have had such a conscious experience with my menstruation. I feel like I went through puberty at age 25 and that I’ve really had to work on myself to become a fully embodied woman. It didn’t come easy, but hey, rites of passage are supposed to be challenging right?

It’s been two years now of having a consistent bleeding cycle. I still have to do the work to keep my cycle in check – make sure I’m eating enough, getting enough rest, expressing my emotions, not engaging in unhealthy relationship dynamics… Something my blood has taught me is that I need to be in alignment for it to come. If something is off – energetically, emotionally, physically – that will be communicated by the presence or absence of blood, as well as the duration of my cycle.

I’ve learned how intricately connected the bleeding process is to my psychology, and the greater I understand my blood the greater I understand my own mind.

Every cycle more wisdom comes. More practices, more information on how to release energetic imprints (particularly romantic relationships), more affirmations and realizations in my life’s direction. It’s a time of being in my power and building those reserves. I know that diving into the depths of my psyche each month in bleeding time supports my full creative potential in the world. For a snippet of one of the practices that’s come through during bleeding time, check out my post on flowing with the moon.

Thank you for reading this version of my story – as always there are things left unsaid and details omitted – how can you say it all? I am always eager to pass on the wisdom I’ve gained along my journey, so please reach out with any questions you’d like answered. I hope that this sharing in some way resonates with your own experience or sparks some potential within you.

I fully believe that the more we share our stories with each other, the more we awaken to our shared power and strengthen the web of Sisterhood.

Please share your experiences with me in the comments below.

Lunar Blessings in the dark of this Scorpio New Moon,

Kendall

Some recommended reading & links to check out:

This *amazing course* for a Coming Off the Pill Detox

Lara Owen – Her Blood is Gold

Moon Song – The Spiritual Practice of Menstruation

The Red Web – Reclaiming your Cycle

The Arvigo Technique of Mayan Abdominal Therapy

10th Annual Natural Living Expo

I am excited to announce that the Lunar Mandala Calendar will be at this years 10th annual Natural Living Expo in Marlborough, Mass!

What a great way to network and learn from so many talented healers in the natural health field. I am excited to make new friends and share the moon love.

In addition to having the Lunar Mandala Calendar on display I will have an assortment of herbal and flower-essence infused Belly Oils, an Anti-Viral Yoni Spray, and organic cotton menstrual pads by WaxWing Moon.

I discovered Summer (the founder of WaxWing Moon) at the International Woman’s Herbal Conference this summer. I’ve been using organic cotton and flannel pads for years now, but there is something about the designs of Summer’s pads (mine is red with an echinacea flower), their softness, and their being so lovingly made that makes them extra special. I am so excited to get to support another sister’s good work in showcasing these pads alongside the calendar.

I will also have information available for scheduling workshops on Mindful Movement for Menstruation. This is an offering that I have been organically gathering pieces for over the past several years through my personal healing and through trainings in kundalini yoga, meditation, herbalism, plant spirit healing, talking circle, art, and journalling. I am thrilled, honored, and humbled to be presenting these simple teachings back to the world to further empower other women in their moon time. If you or someone you know would like to host a workshop at your studio, please be in touch!

 

Many Lunar Blessings and I look forward to seeing you at the Expo!

Kendall

 

Flow with the Moon

Have you ever thought about how cool it would be to bleed in sync with the moon? It is so affirming to know that our bodies’ cycles are connected to the cosmic cycles. Stories say that in earlier times, before the influence of artificial lighting, women bled together in the dark of the New Moon. The magnetic force of the Moon influenced the waters of their wombs as well as the ocean tides, encouraging ovulation at the Full Moon and menstruation at the New.

In modern times, many people’s endocrine systems are affected by artificial light, unusual work schedules, pharmaceutical residues in the water, environmental pollutants (the list goes on), and women bleed at many different times of the Moon. I know many sisters who bleed on the New Moon, many who bleed on the Full, and equal amounts of sisters who alternate moons or bleed somewhere in between!

It’s important to remember that you are already flowing with the moon – no matter what lunar phase you bleed in.

There is no right or wrong – it’s not ‘better’ to bleed with the New, or ‘wrong’ if you’re bleeding at the first quarter…We are all different and unique. Notice the messages your blood may be carrying when it arrives early, or late, or in relation to changes in your life…

What is your blood telling you?

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Regardless of what phase of the moon I’m bleeding in, I do my best to carve out a space in my life where I can go into the darkness of that time – a space where I can be in the new moon of my womb – a place of archaic knowing, deep release, and where I can simply be a human being in my body. It’s important for me that I don’t have anything inside of my body that could be blocking my flow (diva cup, tampon, etc) – I want the blood to leave the body at the exact moment that it is flowing. So much of my life I have held tension in my womb area – especially around bleeding time when there was a fear of blood leaking on clothing – so now when I am bleeding I let the blood go freely: If I can be present in the exact moment that the blood is leaving, I bring conscious presence to my labia and all of the muscles around the opening of my vagina so that there is no held muscle tension in the body. I find this to be an empowering practice that is beneficial for releasing residual held traumas on a cellular level.

Tracking your menstruation around the cycles of the moon is a beautiful practice of building connection with your bleeding, regardless of what phase(s) you bleed in. It keeps you connected to the cycles of your life, the cycles of your body, and the cycles of the cosmos. It’s always interesting for me to look back through bleeding calendars over the years and see what I was able to release in the darkness of my moon.

Just as many of us bleed at different times, I know that we all have such different experiences of menstruation. I love hearing the diversity of women’s relationships to blood and also love sharing our common experiences. Please share your thoughts & experiences with me ❤

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In the light of the moon,

Kendall