The Magic of Manic-Depression

You know those days when you roll out of bed, after staying asleep too long, and all you want to do is shake the mood you’re in? All you want is to feel an ounce of enthusiasm and excitement to begin the new day but here you are, depressed in the morning and not sure how to keep moving?

I don’t like to identify with what western medicine would diagnosis as manic-depressive or bipolar, but sometimes referring to these terms is helpful in understanding what I’m feeling. I used to find myself sobbing for hours in the center of my room, surrounded by the contents of my closet that I pulled out to organize and that were now in an overwhelming pile on my floor. I would be non-functional for days. I’ve seen dramatic improvement over the past year since starting to supplement with magnesium and no longer have such intense episodes, but the waves of high and low still come and go.

helmi-hunin-dscf8338

Almost like an intense fever that spikes and is unbearable for several hours but will eventually come down, the depressive states are something I endure. I now know to think of them as waves, maybe lasting for few days, rising and cresting before falling again. When they’re rising and I’m in the thick of my discomfort my first instinct is to ask, “how can I get out of this?”, “how can I change how I’m feeling?”. Simple tasks seem impossible to complete – the dishes pile on the counter, the laundry goes unfolded for days, dog hair piles up on the floor. I look to all the possible tools in my toolkit – maybe coffee will lift my mood and help me to be productive. Maybe smoking herbs will clear my mind and bring me into the present, helping me to get going again. Maybe I just need to start a project, or go into town, or visit a friend, or get bodywork. And often times these things help, at least in easing the symptoms.

545221_378553408938091_1859845226_n

Manic I think of as an overwhelming love for life and of feeling in touch with the magic of each moment. I feel spiritually aligned and grateful that every choice I’ve made has brought me to be right here and now, experiencing the juiciness of life. It’s the type of thing where I fall in love with the mundane – where I may have had an ordinary, simple week but I am so content and grateful to be alive that I exclaim it’s been one of the best weeks of my life. I invite strangers over for romantic dinners, take weeks off from work, fast and pray alone in the woods, stay up ’til four in the morning cleaning the house, making art, and moving my body. It’s the type of state where I feel “THANK GOD I’M HUMAN AND CAN EXPERIENCE ALL OF THIS!” and where I realize that my life is in the making and that the risks I take weave a tapestry of beauty.

img_20170131_182532

The more I accept that these swings are part of who I am, the easier it is to embrace both extremes. I can accept that some days are just gonna suck and I may or may not be functional. And I can wholeheartedly enjoy and rejoice in the ecstasy of being alive.

I trust in transience and know that all things change. Knowing this makes the lows of my mind endurable and the highs even that more magical.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “The Magic of Manic-Depression

  1. This description speaks to me. Especially when I experience more mild mania and do not become psychotic or obviously off the plant –> I never realise until afterwards. I Just think I have all of a sudden found my meaning, calling and the beauty in life…overnight. Then it’s snatched away. Thank you for writing this.

    Like

    1. Hi M.J., I’m glad this article spoke to you. I also experience mild mania as you’ve described. One of my favorite herbal authors, Robin Rose Bennett, in her book The Way of Healing Herbs talks about the importance of not identifying too much with a condition or diagnosis. I like to keep this in mind in my own life, because it’s so easy when I identify only with a condition (in this case manic depression) that I begin interpreting my whole life through that lens, and I judge my experience as just being a product of this condition. I think it’s helpful to have a reference point or diagnosis to better understand what I’m going through and to be able to take care of myself and support my physical body accordingly…and to be able to maybe prevent such extreme swings…and it’s also important for me to relax in knowing that life is a journey of different states of fluctuating emotion and experience, that it’s OK to have my experiences, to embrace them, and to cherish life without pigeonholing it into symptoms of dis-ease ❤

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s